Buzz on, Gleeks
by Allisha Shelly
Summary: Assuming every member of the glee club in McKinley High has a Gmail account, they all have access to Google Buzz, Gmail's version of Twitter. These are all the funny, exciting, annoying, strange, and, you guessed it, GLEEful!
1. Chapter 1

**Rachel - I found a terry-cloth pantsuit at Ann Taylor Loft!**

**Quinn -** Good for you, you will have Finn back in your arms in no time.

**Brittany -** Are you supposed to put anise extract in scrambled eggs?

**Kurt -** Congratulations, Rachel. Be happy that you are not 3 hours behind on your moisturizing routine.

**Homer J Simpson -** My slippers are made of terry-cloth.

**Kurt -** Who invited Homer to this conversation?

**Quinn -** Probably Rachel because she had to say she got a pantsuit made of terry-cloth.

**Brittany -** Isn't terry-cloth that purple color that all the boys get confused with orange?

**Mercedes -** No, that's periwinkle.

**Brittany -** Then what's turquoise?

**Rachel -** I think Mrs. Snuggleton and Valerie Bertinelli aren't satisfied with their anti-depressant. Should I use Abilify?

**Quinn -** How do you know Valerie Bertinelli? Even I haven't met her yet.

**Mercedes -** Who is Mrs. Snuggleton?

**Rachel -** I must have forgotten to clarify. Mrs. Snuggleton and Valerie Bertinelli are my ferrets.

**Brittany -** Feed them peanuts.

**Rachel -** Abilify seemed to make Mrs. Snuggleton snore more than she did before.

**Rachel -** My dads think having my ferrets chuck herbal tea is a good idea.

**Kurt –** Like they'd rather get tea stains.

**Quinn -** Can somebody please act like a normal being from Ohio.

**Kurt -** I'm perfectly fine with my normal self. After all, I am the only one who actually files their nails.

**Quinn -** I would pray for you, Kurt.

**Brittany -** I just found out what my pits tasted like. They taste like burgers.

**Mercedes -** That is disgusting.

**Tina -** That must have been worse than giving a speech in front of the entire school.

**Kurt -** I waited for the entire period and nobody commented on my new Joseph and Feiss jacket.

**Santana -** Kurt, if you were a Cheerio, you would be kicked out by Coach Sylvester in seconds.

**Rachel -** I found a leotard that's super chic, but I don't like having to strip naked to pee.

**Santana -** Then hold it.

**Rachel -** I have had weak a weak bladder ever since I was 6. But I have been practicing. I think my bladder's endurance has improved.

**Tina -** How come your bladder was weak every since you were 6?

**Rachel -** Personal reasons. I don't think they should be shared in public, it would cause too much paparazzi.

**Brittany -** My neighbor said it's not right to ride on a bike without a butt-pad.

**Mercedes -** Doesn't your neighbor mean helmet?

**Rachel -** I heard it's safe to wear Styrofoam under your clothes when you first start riding. You should never trust training wheels.

**Quinn -** I must go pray and leave this conversation.

**Tina -** I'm sorry, I don't buzz a lot. Can somebody refresh the conversation?

**Santana**** -**Can't you just read it?

**Mercedes - **Aren't you excited about this week's glee club assignment?

**Santana -** We seriously can just sweat it. We are going to beat the boys anyways. How good can they be?

**Brittany -** I was putting my hair up this morning, and I saw an ant climb up my wall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Kurt - I just found out what a diaphragm is and I barfed into my hat.**

**Tina – **What's a diaphragm?

**Mercedes – **Google it.

**Quinn – **Diaphragms were made for a reason.

**Kurt – **You can't complain. I go through a slushy bath at least 10 times a week. I need to stop wearing lederhosen at school.

**Rachel – **I wish someone had informed me earlier that "The Wiggles" are really for babies. Because I love them.

**Santana – **The Wiggles? My neighbor's kid doesn't watch that shit and he's 3.

**Quinn –** Rachel, do you really think you can be popular by watching baby shows?

**Rachel – **Don't you think lip singers are just frauds?

**Mercedes – **A little bit. But if I become famous and leave you all, I'm going to have to lip sing if I want to make a music video.

**Rachel – **Mercedes, I understand that you are jealous of my perfect pitch. But I must say, you aren't that bad of a singer yourself. You don't have to gloat.

**Brittany – **Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?

**Rachel – **I heard that bran muffins are supposed to be really good for you. Should I eat them for breakfast every morning despite the fact they give me flatulence?

**Kurt – **I'd rather play basketball in board shorts.

**Tina – **My mom says eating too much grain isn't good for you, Rachel. I don't think you should force yourself to eat bran muffins for breakfast every day.

**Rachel - **Anyone interested in writing the libretto for a SARAH PALIN musical?

**Santana – **Hell no!

**Brittany - **Does that I mean I get to meet the president?

**Rachel – **Anyone else interested?

**Mercedes – **Do you really think I'd say yes?

**Tina – **I'm sorry, Rachel. But I have to say no.

**Rachel – **Merlin's Beard! I finally saw Harry Potter. ACCIO ACADEMY AWARD!

**Tina – **What does ACCIO mean?

**Mercedes – **Didn't I say it already? Google it.

**Santana – **How many of those Harry Potter movies are rated R?

**Tina – **I think zero.

**Santana – **Then I'm not going to watch it.

**Rachel – **Last night, I fell asleep the sound of applause. I recorded the part of The Phantom of The Opera where everybody gave a standing ovation. I think I clapped the loudest.

**Kurt – **So that's what I heard during the performance. I thought your clapping was somebody popping popcorn backstage.

**Quinn – **God, you are even stranger than the bra Finn got me at Victoria's Secret.

**Justin Bieber** **–** Canada thank u! Sad I had 2 leave but we r starting the tour and had to get back to rehearsals...MY BUS RULES! It's a party on wheels!

**Mercedes – **OMG

**Kurt – **Why do strangers keep wandering into our conversations? It's like my dad when I get guacamole facials in the bathroom. If he needs to go, there's something called a backyard!

**Rachel – **I can sing better than that person any day!

**Mercedes – **Who? Justin Bieber?

**Rachel – **Absolutely. I'm sure _he_ didn't win his first singing competition when he was only 6 months old.

**Mercedes – **And you're saying you did.

**Rachel – **Of course I did! I can bring the trophy to school and shove it in your face if I have to.

**Justin Bieber - **RANDOM CHUCK NORRIS MOMENT: They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. CHUCKNORRIS killed the cat. Every single one of them.

**Kurt – **Why does Justin have to keep butting into this buzz? I can't get too angry when I'm filing my nails. I could hurt myself.

**Brittany – **Who's Justin Bieber?

**Mercedes – **Google him.

**Rachel – **I feel like I need a new water bottle. I am asking my dads to get me one that's pink with a picture of something on the cap. I want a gold star, a Cheer Bear, or an owl. If they get me one with a Cheer Bear, I really hope it's Love-a-lot.

**Santana – **I'd get a heart with a devil's tail.

**Brittany – **My cat likes to lick my umbrella.


	3. Chapter 3

**Rachel – Apparently telling my dads that I was 2 months pregnant wasn't the best April Fool's Day gag.**

**Quinn – **It's so strange how you act like you _want _to be pregnant. You really don't know how hard it is, Rachel. Not like you could've known better…but still.

**MikeChang28 – **Does Coach Tanaka have a Gmail account?

**Finn – **Why would you want to know if our football coach has a Gmail account?

**Pucksaurus – **Because Mike wants to chat with him.

**MikeChang28 – **It's only because I want to know if he buzzes or not.

**Rachel - **Wait, "The Cosby Mysteries" was cancelled?

**Santana – **Yea, Rachel. It was canceled. Suck up.

**Kurt – **My dad confused his Faygo Red sodas with _my_ Shirley Temples again! Doesn't he know that Faygo Red sodas have a darker shade or red?

**Rachel – **I know what that feels like. My dads think regular milk is the same as rice milk.

**Pucksaurus – **My cell phone is filling with sexts.

**Quinn – **Excuse me?

**Pucksaurus – **Since when was Quinn part of this buzz?

**MikeChang28 – **Ever since the beginning. She got the first comment.

**Finn – **

**Santana – **Why did you leave a blank comment? People who leave blank comments are retarded.

**Finn – **Look, I don't really know Gmail Buzz that well. Ok?

**Santana – **

**MikeChang28 – **Er, Finn, it's _Google_ Buzz.

**Santana – **Does it really matter?

**Santana – **Damn it! I left a blank comment. How do you delete these pieces of shit?

**Rachel - **Hey, is that war in Iraq still going on? Haven't really heard about it lately.

**Mercedes – **Rachel…

**Rachel – **I'm just asking. Curiosity never killed a cat. If it did, my neighbor's cat Bobbie would have been dead a long time ago.

**Brittany – **Are sombreros those white pancakes that people from the mermaid-tail country use to wrap brown meat in?

**Tina – **There is no country called the mermaid-tail country, Brittany.

**Brittany – **Then how come I saw a country that looked like a mermaid tail in a book?

**Finn – **You mean Mexico?

**Brittany – **Is that country shaped like a mermaid tail?

**Finn – **I guess so.

**Brittany – **Then what's a sombrero?

**Quinn – **It's a hat.

**Brittany – **If that's a hat, then what's a hat?

**Pucksaurus – **A hat is a thing that chics wear.

**Quinn – **Don't be silly, Puck. You wear hats too.

**Pucksaurus – **Ok then. Girls wear more hats than boys and girls' hats are sexier.

**RachelBerrystar01 – **I am Rachel Berry's fanmail account. I get a lot of mail from my fans and having them fill up in only one account would just be too unreasonable. That's why I got a new email and more envelopes.

**Mercedes – **Why envelopes?

**RachelBerrystar01 –** I need backup in case I lost my internet connection. At least I'll know I'll never run out of stamps.

**Kurt - **At what age should one stop wearing footy pajamas?

**Rachel – **30

**Quinn – **When you realize what fashion is up to date. In this case silk or satin.

**Santana –** Never.

**Pucksaurus – **If you still wear footy pajamas, then you really need to watch out for a thousand slushy showers, Hummel.

**Finn – **I guess when you're 8?

**Quinn – **You still wore footy pajamas when you were 8? Who would I want to be the girlfriend of a man who still wore footy pajamas when he was already _8_? That's in third grade, Finn!

**Finn – **No, no, no! I never said I wore footy pajamas when I was 8. I don't even…I never wore footy pajamas in my life. And I swear, nobody deserves to wear footy pajamas in third grade.

**Santana – **Then maybe you should edit your comment and say "never" like I did.

**Pucksaurus – **That Martinez kid's gotta hot mom.

**Quinn – **Sighs.

**Pucksaurus – **What?

**Quinn – **You know what I mean, Puck! Don't be such a Lima loser.

**Brittany –** I forgot how to sit. So now I have to stand for the rest of the day.


	4. Chapter 4

**Quinn - ****I can't tell if this really full feeling is because of the Hot Pocket I just ate, or because my uterus is stretched to bursting.**

**Tina – **It was probably the Hot Pocket. I ate one when I was a little kid and was so full after that I threw up on my dad.

**Pucksaurus - **Your stomachs are such wimps! I can eat 20 without a problem.

**MikeChang28 – **It's probably the second option.

**Rachel – **I just watched Kirstie Alley's new TV show. You know what's a great diet plan? Watching Kirstie Alley's TV show.

**Mercedes – **If that show really is a great diet plan, that dog next door would have discovered that a while ago.

**Finn – **You have a dog next door who watches TV?

**Mercedes – **Finn, that comment was a joke.

**Jacob B.I. – **My mom thinks Kirstie Alley is lesbian.

**Mercedes – **Since when did Jacob join in on this conversation?

**Jacob B.I. – **Ever since I saw Rachel's name in it.

**Tina – **Do you still want her underwear?

**Jacob B.I – **Do you know if she wears thongs?

**Brittany – **I wanted to have antibiotics, but I ended up having my mom's anti-depressant. Now I feel depressed.

**Tina – **If you ate an anti-depressant, doesn't that mean you _shouldn't_ be depressed?

**Kurt - **I hereby encourage every American to hunt down and watch the last 5 minutes of the final episode of "Cop Rock."

**Tina – **What's Cop Rock?

**Kurt – **Gasp, even that old man that lives across the street knows what "Cop Rock" is. You really should start using Suave Naturals instead of Garnier Fructis, Tina. It really makes a difference.

**Rachel – **My dads use Garnier and their hair is perfectly fine.

**Pucksaurus – **Jacob, you should really give up on that self-defense gag you tried before I dropped you head first into the dumpster. I could break your nose in my sleep.

**Jacob B.I. – **I'm not scared and I am a yellow belt in karate.

**Pucksaurus – **Prove it. Meet me at the dumpster after school. And wear a hockey mask if you still want to have your face when you go home.

**Jacob B.I. – **Then I'll wear a hockey mask.

**Pucksaurus – **Then I'll punch through it.

**Rachel - **I thought "V" was about vampires. It's about aliens. It should be called "A".

**Mercedes – **"V" stands for Visitors, Rachel.

**Rachel – **"A" still makes a better name, though.

**Jacob B.I. – **I have to agree with Rachel.

**Santana – **Jacob, you aren't allowed n this conversation. Get out.

**Brittany – **Is a hamster that animal with a long neck and horns?

**Mercedes – **You mean a giraffe?

**Brittany – **Is that a hamster?

**Finn – **No.

**Brittany – **Then what's a hamster?

**Tina – **I had a pet hamster, but she made me donate it to an animal shelter. She found

hamster poop in her tea.

**Mercedes – **Well that's got to be bad.

**Kurt – **I really have to get a new dressing gown.

**Santana –** Dressing gown? What era are you from? It's called a _bathrobe_.

**Tina – **My mom keeps stealing all the garlic bread.

**Kurt – **I must sacrifice my Shirley Temples for my dad's soda. I know what it feels like.

**Brittany – **I feel like I never get enough lotion on my face every day.


	5. Chapter 5

**Quinn - ****Can I get my C-section in the shape of a Q instead? Would that be a Q-section?**

**Mercedes – **I would not want to be the person who delivers your baby.

**Jacob B.I. – **I don't have a lot of artistic skill, so if you wanted _me_ to deliver your baby, Quinn, then your Q-section would become an O-section with a little line hanging out at some random angle.

**Tina – **Isn't an O with a little line hanging out of it a _Q_, Jacob?

**Jacob B.I. – **If I had to deliver Rachel's baby and she wanted an R-section, I would make the R perfect.

**Brittany – **I just learned that you need a mouth guard when you have stomach bugs.

**Mercedes – **And stomach bugs are…

**Tina – **I guess little bugs inside your stomach. At least it sounds better than a tape worm.

**Brittany – **Is a tape worm a long piece of tape that won't unstick from a poster?

**Tina – **Is unstick even a word?

**MikeChang28 – **Who knows. I don't think it is.

**Will Schuster – **I never realized how different it is to communicate with my glee club with Gmail.

**Tina – **Mr. Shu, you have a Gmail account?

**Mercedes – **Whataya think?

**Tina – **Well, since he can buzz, I suppose so.

**Rachel - **What's the Jewish equivalent of St. Patrick's Day? Is it Sukkot? There should be more beer.

**Kurt – **Shirley Temples I can live with. But I cannot stand beer bottles that are half full without a cap. It's just too wrong.

**Brittany – **Kwanza are those trick candles in those party stores, right?

**Mercedes – **Brittany, do you know how offensive that is?

**Tina – **They sell trick candles at party stores?

**Kurt –** I can tell you one thing about party stores: They do not sell Shirley Temples or Marc Jacobs Fall Collection jackets. What kind of party is a party without Marc Jacobs Fall?

**Jacob B.I. –** I always feel like somebody's watching me.

**Mercedes –** My neighbors love that song. They sit on their porch with a boom box and for hours all we can hear and think about is Rockwell.

**Santana –** Rockwell is 1700's music. _I_ am in the twenty first century, unlike you all.

**Rachel - **Has anyone ever been to EITHER of the Dakotas? Because I suspect they're some sort of elaborate prank.

**Pucksaurus – **I've been under Dakota Fanning's pants.

**Santana –** Puck, I need a man that has a secure, stable money life and with a credit score like _yours_…what a shame!

**Pucksaurus – **My great uncle's is worse.

**Quinn –** Has anybody even answered my question yet?

**Finn **– What question?

**Artie Abrams –** Nobody said the essay was due _today!_

**Quinn –** Grrr

**Finn –** Why grrr?

**Quinn –** You guys comment about things that have absolutely _nothing_ to do with the original post. Why buzz questions on Google Buzz when Yahoo Answers is so much more reliable?

**MikeChang28 –** I'm a level 5 in Yahoo! Answers.

**Sue Sylvester – **I'm a top contributor so you don't even have to compete against me.

**MikeChang28 -** .

**Sue Sylvester – **Your cowardly actions are just too satisfying.

**Will Sshuster - **And people listen to your advice, Sue.

**Artie Abrams – **Buzz is just too complicated for me. I think I should disable it forever.

**Tina – **No, Artie, don't.

**Artie Abrams –** This will be my last comment. I wish all you buzzers farewell.

**Brittany –** I'm a buzzer? I thought I was a bumblebee.


	6. Chapter 6

**Sue Sylvester - ****It turns out there is more than one way to skin a cat, but really only two that don't make the house smell for months like a skinned cat.**

**Quinn – **Coach Sylvester, skinning a cat really is just a time wasting activity. Imagine how many students you could torture in that amount of time!

**Sue Sylvester – **You know, Quinn. Before you sat in the back of your parent's station wagon with your legs behind your head having intimate time with that football person, you actually had something worth flipping and high-kicking for. But now that you are carrying two little pairs of feet and a bloody head inside your very elastic uterus, you have nothing worth cheerleading for because of the pope of cheerleading has just kicked you out of the squad.

**Will Schuster – **Sue, have you ever heard of the words "sympathy" or "optimism?"

**Mercedes – **Mr. Shu, why are you even asking? You know the answer.

**Sue Sylvester - **I'm beginning to doubt the quality of my local grocer because the "rotisserie chicken" I just ate had a six-inch hairless tail.

**Tina – **My mom's turkey breast was blue, so I'm starting to think the same.

**Finn – **The food at the grocery store is perfectly fine. We've been buying rotisserie chicken for years at the same store and we've never found a tail on it. It was plain roast chicken.

**MikeChang28 – **I'm starting to get annoyed with the letter "B" being right next to the letter "V."

**Mercedes – **Why's that and why did you write in bold?

**MikeChang28 – **Ctrl+B is bold and Ctrl+V is paste. I always press Ctrl+B when I want to press Ctrl+V.

**Tina – **That must be confusing!

**Brittany – **I wanted to put ketchup on my toast, but I ended up putting on something yellow. It tasted weird.

**Tina – **You put butter on your toast? Butter tastes great.

**Brittany – **Butter is orange, not yellow.

**Mercedes – **Tina, I think Brittany means _mustard_.

**Rachel – **My dads put mustard in their famous artichoke dip.

**Mercedes – **Rachel, that's disgusting! And you _eat_ that artichoke dip?

**Rachel – **I must respect my dads! Of course I do! The cumin gives it a tangy taste.

**Santana – **I can live with looking great and feeling terrible. That's why I can take Sue Sylvester's Master Cleanse.

**Sue Sylvester - **I'm pretty sure that by now Arianna Huffington is just faking that accent.

**Will Schuster – **And I'm pretty sure Sue Sylvester is jealous about it.

**Sue Sylvester – **And I'm pretty sure that William Schuster needs to find a new hair style that doesn't make him look like a lesbian.

**Sue Sylvester – **And to add onto that, maybe have a little miniature diaper be made for his chin because it just reminds me of a baby's ass.

**Splitz9909 – **This is buzz? Wow, it's weird. Not sure if I like it yet.

**Mercedes – **Who's Splitz9909?

**Santana – **She's just a cheerleader. Forget about her, she couldn't do a front flip until _after_ her tryout.

**Tina – **I never learned how to do a handstand.

**Santana – **That's a shame.

**Mercedes – **You probably got it better off than me, Tina. I never learned how to do a cartwheel.

**Tina – **I can't do that either.

**Artie Abrams – **I cannot do anything that has to do with standing.

**Tina – **Artie, I thought you said you disabled buzz forever.

**Artie Abrams – **Well, I never clicked on the button that said "Delete Google buzz Forever." I just sort of abandoned Buzz for a while.

**Santana – **A while? Don't you mean _4_ days?

**Artie Abrams – **Santana, 4 days can be a very long time.

**Tina – **Yea. 4 days is 96 hours or 576 minutes!

**Rachel – **Are you going to convert that into seconds? Because my ferrets are with me right now and they can get serious migraine headaches when they see math.

**Santana – **Migraines are for old ladies who can't stand anything anymore.

**Mercedes – **No, anybody can have migraine headaches. My dad can have them and he definitely is _not_ an old lady. He's ain't even 60!

**Pucksaurus – **And I'm sure he ain't no _lady_ either.

**Mercedes – **Har-har, Puck. How very funny.

**Sue Sylvester – **If you're going shirtless just to impress me, you must know that I do not menstruate.

**Jacob B.I. – **Neither do I.

**Brittany – **The orthodontist at the grocery store told me that peanut butter was gogn to be on sale today.

**Tina – **There's an orthodontist at the grocery store?

**Brittany – **Aren't orthodontists the people who make that beeping noise when they put chicken under a machine?

**Mercedes – **Um, I am very confused right now but I think you are talking about a _cashier_. Speaking of orthodontists, my cousin just got braces and swallowed a Jolly Rancher whole. Now he's at the hospital.

**Santana – **I've swallowed cough drops before and you don't see me in the emergency room. Tell him to just f*ckin' tough it out.

**Brittany – **If an orthodontist is a person who makes kids swallow jolly ranchers, than what's a salesperson?


	7. Chapter 7

**Rachel - Happy New Year's Eve, everybody! This is to all of my fans: I know you all love me, but could you all please postpone your fanmail for after the holidays? I'm developing pains in my wrist from replying your emails.**

**Santana – **I hate to break it to you, Rachel, but you don't _have_ any fans.

**Rachel – **Santana, you don't have to express your jealousy to your public through buzz.

**Kurt – **I know this is completely off topic, but no buzz conversation ever stays on track. Just a few days ago, I went to go get ice cream, and I heard somebody order "moustachio" ice cream. Instantly barfed.

**Blaine – **Are you sure you didn't hear 'pistachio', Kurt?

**Mercedes – **I know my ice cream, and that DQ down the block does sell moustachio milkshakes.

**Artie – **So everybody's buzzing again?

**Tina – **Yes, and I'm very happy. I didn't like it that nobody commented on my buzzes anymore. Now I have people to accompany me on the Internet again.

**BiesteCoachesFootball – **Gmail has recommended me to follow all of you guys. Your names sound familiar.

**Tina – **

**Artie – **Does _anybody_ here know how to block followers?

**Brittany – **Follow the leader?

**Rachel - **Having exhausted all teeth-whitening options, is there a way to just get them painted?

**Artie – **I recommend dentures.

**Mercedes – **Yuck. Dentures remind me of 'teeth from the ghost of dead people past.'

**Santana – **Can _somebody _tell Puck that he is such a drag?

**Pucksaurus – **I've heard that before, m'lady.

**Blaine – **Are there any warblers in this conversation?

**Kurt – **Yes

**Santana – **Great, it's a family reunion.

**Santana – **Has anybody ever heard of Gay News Net? Those bitches over there are calling Kim Kardashian lesbian.

**Finn – **Maybe that's because she is.

**Brittany – **What's the difference between a sheep and a fish? I think they're the same.

**Sue Sylvester – **Sheep is what I like to eat for dinner. I also use sheep's wool as a butt cushion for park benches that have are too hard on my tailbone.

**Mercedes – **Who agrees with me that broccoli looks like a toilet brush?

**MikeChang28 – **Actually, they remind me of mini trees for ants.

**Finn – **I think broccoli look like the cross-bred plant of a tree and a toilet brush.

**Brittany – **I thought broccoli was a shoe brand.


	8. Chapter 8

**Quinn - **Detention after school. Apparently, it's "overreacting" to punch a boy for being rude enough to wish me a happy "Fat Tuesday".

**Rachel – **Oh, I feel so much sympathy for you.

**Quinn – **I appreciate the sarcasm.

**Mercedes – **Quinn, it's Thursday.

**Quinn – **Are you saying I looked fat on Thursday too? Shit!

**Mercedes – **Gosh, Quinn…

**Rachel – **What's the wasp-iest pet I can get?

**MikeChang28 – **Uh…a wasp?

**Rachel – **I considered, a wasp, but it sounds too cliché.

**Mercedes – **A wasp? If you get a wasp, then your face will be covered with fat wasp stings.

**Quinn –** Fat? You couldn't have thought of another adjective to describe a wasp sting? Fat? Fat? Fat? The school should really stop serving those big tacos. They must have, like, 7000 calories per taco or something.

**Mercedes – **Jeez…

**Sue Sylvester - **It's official. I'm suing Charlie Sheen for infringing upon the trademark I have on winning.

**Puck – **Sue kinda sounds hot when she says that.

**Santana – **Shit! Puck, what the hell is wrong with you?

**Puck – **I'm a guy. Guys cheat.

**Justin Bieber – **I'm a girl, and I shave my pits.

**JustinBieberFan101 – **Oh my gosh, Justin, can I have your like autograph?

**Brittany – **Did Justin Bieber turn 5 a couple weeks ago?


	9. Chapter 9

**Sue Sylvester - **If there's one thing I hate, it's limiting the number of things I hate to one.

**Brittany – **I really hate the breadsticks at Breadsticks.

**Mercedes – **I'm so with you there.

**Santana – **I hate slushy facials way more than I hate the breadsticks at Breadsticks. Why did they name it Breadsticks when their breadsticks just taste shitty?

**Sue Sylvester – **If you eat seaweed, chances are I hate you.

**Tina – **Does that mean you hate me?

**Artie – **Sylvester hates everyone, regardless if they eat seaweed or not.

**Rachel – **I can't wait until I get a car! Walking is SOOO pedestrian.

**Kurt – **And I can't wait until my organic wrinkle cream arrives in the mail.

**Mercedes – **You know, if you don't move your face for 6 weeks, your wrinkles disappear like magic.

**Kurt – **But what if somebody tells me a joke? I can't laugh (or smile) if I can't move my face.

**Mercedes – **Just let them know that you're laughing on the inside.

**Kurt – **Mercedes, you're a genius.

**Blaine** – But Kurt, if you didn't move your face, I couldn't talk to you…_and_ you couldn't order coffee.

**Kurt – **You know my coffee order.

**Blaine – **And if you didn't move you face, you couldn't sing either.

**Kurt – **It'll only be for 6 weeks, Blaine.

**Quinn – **Boys of McKinley High, there's this thing you should try called deodorant. You put it under your arms so you don't smell like German food.

**Artie – **I like the smell of German food.

**Quinn – **You either smell like German food, or stay single until you get out of college.

**Puck – **I heard German girls dig the smell of German food.

**Santana – **No, duh!

**Brittany – **Does that mean German malls has German food perfume?

**Quinn – **Gross.

**Rachel – **My gay dads are going through a time of anxiety of confusion because I'm upgrading from a training bra to a bralette.

**Santana – **OK, TMI, Rachel.

**Lauren – **Are you 10 or something, Rachel? I mean, I didn't even know bralettes existed until my little cousin forgot hers last Christmas.

**Kurt – **Where is the spring weather? I have a closetful of short pants and slackettes that won't wear themselves!

**Brittany – **I think the Easter Bunny has it.


End file.
